‘I must find a way to stop writing from coming’

Day 10 #iWriteDaily

The wind is roaring. The sky is cloudy and it threatens rain. I’m on my second pot of coffee.

When I woke this morning, I wanted to journal. I’ve fallen out of the habit of Morning Pages, but, gosh, I miss doing them. So go do them, I tell myself.

I jump on social media and check email. I FaceTime a friend, watch a video. All while toasty under the covers, bracketed by my dog on my side and cat on the other.

Then I get anxious. The gremlin voice in my head is off to the races.

“You’ll never write anything of significance,” it says. “You suck.”

Journaling Morning Pages isn’t meant to be significant, I tell the gremlin in my head. Go away.

“Then be my guest. Write,” it says, motioning dramatically to the closed journal on my bedside table. “Write crap.”

I pick up a pen and my journal. I open it and write the date. I close it, put it aside, and go throw in a load of laundry.

Push through this, I tell myself. Write a sentence.

I want to vomit. (I don’t write that. But I could. I should.)

Then I remember my friend Kristine’s words. “I remind myself every day not to ‘should’ on myself, meaning, I should feel…I should do…I should be… . One of my most important lessons. Whatever we need to do to get ‘better/safer/happier’ is what we need to do.”

I want to make soup … but first I have to go to the store for ingredients. No wait, first I have to decide what kind of soup I want to make.

The gremlin rubs his clawed hands together. He’s made more than a dent in my day. And he knows it.